![]() ![]() But again, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Finally, Chuck Norris just doesn’t know how to act, period. Vanilla Ice is way too over the top, and that’s a very big mistake. Michael Rooker, as mentioned, sounds like Badger. Kim Basinger sounds like she had just woken up. Michael Madsen sounds like an elderly man who smokes three packs of Marlboros a day. First of all, well, nobody puts in any damn effort. Here comes my main issue with Crime Boss: everyone does a pathetic job at portraying their characters. Given how this is just a polygonal model with his face and voice, all we have left is Chuck showcasing his voice acting chops… and if this game is any indication, they are terrible. The Chuck Norris jokes were fun in a proto-Youtube era of the internet, and we appreciate the man for his martial arts skills, not his acting. He’s so good, he’s so epic, he’s a badass, yadda yadda yadda… the joke just doesn’t land. There’s also a sheriff chasing after you. Some of the villains include a rapper portrayed by… Vanilla f***ing Ice (no, really, not even joking), a Mongolian warlord named Khan (really original, just slightly racist), and Danny Trejo portraying a Danny Trejo archetype. With the help of some nobodies voiced by Kim Basinger, Michael Rooker (doing his best/worst “Badger from Breaking Bad” impression), and the guy who portrayed Thanos in the post-credits scene of the first Avengers movie, he sets out on this epic quest, all while having to deal with other gangs led by equally colorful (as in, dumb) characters. Travis is a gangster, someone who has just arrived in Rockay City, which is just a Miami knockoff, willing to create a criminal empire with the remaining budget he had from selling ecstasy. This campaign puts you in the shoes of Travis Baker (not Barker, Baker), portrayed with a supreme lack of effort by Michael Madsen. THIS is where the expensive voice cast shows up. Now, let’s talk about the real stinker… the single player campaign. Very basic, very bland, and I wouldn’t trade it over Payday 2. ![]() You can team up with friends and all that, but there isn’t a single scenario that felt like I couldn’t complete by myself. The freaking SWAT could be on my tail, but if I just decided to hide myself behind a wall and then sprint like a madman towards my runaway van, my mission would be complete regardless. You can very easily take advantage of the game’s braindead AI to perform robberies with little to no consequences. It’s just like that game, but a bit shinier, a bit jankier. One of them, separated into two modes, is your standard Payday fare. In essence, there are two games inside Crime Boss: Rockay City. Just a reminder that Payday 3 is out this year. I did write “I deeply despise it” in the first paragraph, after all. Suffice to say, you can imagine that the developers did not succeed at that. You’d need to make the story engrossing enough to make you invested in what’s supposed to be a pick-up-and-play experience. This is what Crime Boss: Rockay City wanted to be… but with a massively bloated budget spent on a ton of really famous, albeit slightly washed up movie stars from thirty years ago. ![]() That one extremely flawed, but surprisingly enjoyable co-op romp that’s alive and kicking to this very day, with a loyal fanbase giving it a shot until the release of the long-awaited sequel later this year. That title that has little to no meaningful plot to care about. It was also a very puzzling answer: a co-op shooter like Payday 2. Then what the hell was it going to be? A linear first-person shooter? Was it going to be something akin to Far Cry or (barf) Homefront? The answer is: neither. Despite the massive Grand Theft Auto: Vice City and old-school Saints Row vibes, there were hints of it being a first-person game via its reveal. These elements made me think I’d actually enjoy Crime Boss: Rockay City, even though I didn’t particularly know what the hell the game was even about. Loud, dumb, boisterous, ultraviolent, with pop culture references and some humor sprinkled in. Thanks to this game, I now hate Michael Madsen. ![]()
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